[Music] hi everyone this is Margaret Manning with 60 and me this is the place where women over 60 come to be inspired my guest today is Corey Floyd Corey is a professor of communication at the University of Arizona and he has spent his career uh looking at a subject that we're very interested in and that's loneliness and the need for affection in our lives um Corey is a author of many books but his latest is called the cure for loneliness uh six strategies to find real Connections in your life great title Corey welcome to the show thank you so much for having me thank you so much I'm really glad you're here because um you know we've been talking before about the the just this a hot topic for our our community uh a lot of yeah I mean a lot of women and men really but um in my case the 60 in me Community is about 50,000 women over 60 um you know we're trying to deal with this issue of loneliness um living alone away from families and so on and I wanted to get your thoughts on this um because I know there are things that we can do you know to feel good about ourselves um we can you know get in the best shape that we can be exercise you know have a great diet and lifestyle for eating but when we start to feel lonely um you know you kind of things just go crazy I mean we just do things that are not maybe our you know ourselves what would what what have you observed in terms of behavior that's not so healthy that we can we can deal no it's a great question and really one of the biggest problems associated with loneliness is not the loneliness itself but it's the kind of coping strategies that people use that uh end up inviting more problems right um into their lives and I think that uh when you consider that loneliness really comes from our very strong need for social connection that we have as human beings when we don't meet that need unfortunately what many of us tend to do is turn to other things to try to compensate for that void in our lives yes and so for many people uh it's uh it's unhealthy types of behaviors that uh that feel good in the short term but end up having you know presenting some longer term problems so diet as an example one of the things that research finds is that people who are l eat a larger percentage of their daily calories as fat than in other forms that are healthier and so we might be more inclined to reach for that donut in the morning sugar uh than than for something a little bit healthier because it feels good to us in the short term and in a way that that fat that Sugar can become almost like a substitute for for human connection right um loneliness also is associated with a number of sleeping problems in particular people who are chronically lonely so feel lonely for most or much of their life um they don't necessarily have more of a problem falling asleep but research shows that they have a more they have a bigger problem staying asleep yes and so often loneliness can weigh on their minds it can be easier for them to wake up during the night and of course then they're not really reaping the benefits of that deep restorative sleep right uh that we get when we when we can stay asleep uh during the night uh for younger people in particular uh one thing that um is a maladaptive coping strategy is that uh people get uh inclined to engage in riskier behaviors than they might otherwise and so for for college students as an example uh we see things like sexual hookups where they might meet on the internet uh and and get connected for a sexually liaison but even for older people uh things like gambling can be a way of uh finding some excitement finding some exhilaration in what can be a risky behavior and unfortunately what we find is that chronically lonely people are more likely to uh suffer from things like gambling addiction where they go and and and and do that kind of behavior that's very exciting very exhilarating for them but it becomes addictive yes to the point at which they can't actually stop well I think that the point that you're making sort of that's weaving through all of those those behaviors those maladaptive behaviors that you're discussing is that they're temporary you know they're like a buzz they can be I mean I suppose an addiction then becomes repetitive but um to start with like um eating really sugary you know cake or you know um is something you feel really great for Han hour or the sugar high and then then you just feel full and not well right drink ends up compounding yeah this uh sense this uh degree of maybe worthlessness that we feel when we're lonely because we feel like you know other people don't want to invest in us they don't want to connect with us and then the more I eat a lot of fat or sugar sugar or I don't exercise or I abuse alcohol things like that to kind of make myself feel better in the short term can end up compounding my sense of disconnection uh and worthlessness in the longer term there so Mal know you just reminded me of a really funny quote with something like um uh a good man makes me feel worthy comfortable you know sexy and fun oh no no that's my glass of wine you know it's like it's like you know and but you're right that once you once you're in this cycle though it's very hard to break it um and I guess the only thing is to do some of the things that we write about all the time in 60 and me which is to you know do your best to exercise um walk those 10,000 steps and um then you know just start to physically um feel confident and you know ready to go out and engage yeah yeah and also to be very mindful of things that you might be doing uh that can even if they're not problematic for you right now could become so so maybe I'm having a a second or a third glass of wine when that's not normal for me or maybe I'm uh spending a little too much time on a gambling website uh and I just feel like I'm maybe pushing the line where it's not a problem for me yet but I could see it becoming one and of course the most maladaptive strategy that's associated with loneliness is having thoughts of suicide and unfortunately that's a very common problem for people really at all age groups yes who feel chronically lonely is that they begin to contemplate and think about well you know nobody would really miss me if I took my own life and that's a that's a lie that we tell ourselves but it can it can start to sound like the truth if we feel like there's really nobody to live for well some people that's really in some PE cases that actually is like a a physical truth I mean that that you know you don't have anyone that is right next to you and and you know you just rather than try to find a friend or with like-minded interests you just then decide well nobody would notice anything that's right we can start to feel very helpless and uh and hopeless about our situation and um you know those are those are the kinds of thoughts that would lead us to uh at least begin to entertain the idea of suicide as a as a potential solution to those problems of course it's not of course it's the very uh it's the very antithesis of a healthy coping strategy but unfortunately it's a it's a somewhat common occurrence for people who feel uh so socially disconnected well I think that there's a lot of groups now though and this is a great opportunity for volunteer opportunities I know in the UK there's a group called um end loneliness and it's kind of they're establishing communitybased I mean it's like you can't even do it online you have to almost have people um you know what's your thought on that I mean with social media you know connects people soall connects people um but what would you say is the best way to help people in that situation you know social media has a role and and I don't uh I don't take an alarmist position about social media such that it's the cause of everything that's wrong with our ability to connect with others I think it's a tool and it's a tool for connecting that uh can be very valuable for people who don't have a lot of other options so people who are living alone particularly if they're living say in a rural setting where they may not just have a lot of opportunity to interact with people face Toof face it can be a very valuable tool for keeping them from feeling alone in the world um and again that's true across age groups I know there have been many movements for uh directed at at teenagers who feel socially isolated and if they can at least go online and talk to somebody in a virtual setting that's far better than nothing yes well I've actually watched that happen on Facebook I have quite a few friends on Facebook and and when someone has a problem um you know people seem to like really reach out like you know it's okay call me if you want to talk and you know I've Got Friends who've got children who aren't well and they're all sending hugs and love and I know that really is helpful so I I guess that's that is one um positive of communities and and maybe an join a community that like you know like-minded people absolutely and I think it really works best when it's coupled with um also a face to-face experience so that so the social media is is an aspect of our relational landscape but it's but it's only one aspect I think that really works very well in partnership with the ability to reach out and connect with people face to face I I love this conversation it's really helpful I mean I think that there's two threads to this one is do what you can to control you know control what you can control your that your body your diet your health and your like you said your mindfulness about it your your awareness but at the same time you know reach out and um not just for yourself because reaching out to others will help you too and be kind to each other just you know try kindness love this conversation Corey thank you so much and people who are watching this um Corey has a great website it's just Corey floyd.

 comom that's right and his book is the loneliness cure I was going to say the cure for loneliness but it's the loneliness cure and there's six strategies which we'll talk about in another video thanks Corey you're welcome [Music]