내 인생의 의미를 찾는 특별한 여정, 나는 왜 태어났을까?

Hello, lower middle class.

 It's been a while since I've had content like this.

  The reason I turned on the camera today is because I've been feeling a lot of vertigo lately .

 Why do I really live? I had that thought again.

 But I guess it's because I'm an INFP that I always feel emotions first .

 Feel the emotion first and then think, why am I thinking this way? I  'm the type of person who analyzes myself little by little after thinking about such thoughts, and I think it's been a little over a month since I started thinking like that .

 After a little over a month, I finally feel like my thoughts have come together a bit .

 Actually, the fundamental reason I started YouTube was because when I was young, things were a bit difficult.

 It was just like that.

 There was a living room and a small room, and my mom and dad were so thankful that they made the small room into a study room.

 They just put a desk in the back, and it was just big enough for one person.

 In the living room, five of us would lie down like this and always sleep.

 It was very narrow and I barely experienced what it was like to have a bed, but when I got really old and bought a bed, the space got so much better that I remember feeling a bit uncomfortable.

  You can think of it as living with cockroaches, but to this day, it's something that remains a bit of a troll for me.

 There   were times when I'd turn on the light and bugs would start moving around like this, and I'd wake up with this on my body.

 When I was in high school, I delivered milk with my mom, and I also did a honeymoon delivery, and there was a time when I even got a red tag.

 That's how I lived.

 And of course, I  might have trouble with the kids at school too.

 After going through those troubles, I didn't really have any dreams and I think I  spent more time thinking about what I could realistically do rather than figuring out what I should do.

 But despite that, my mom and dad really did their best to raise the three of us siblings and I and did  n't spare any support.

 So anyway, there are people who do so well and are shown on TV .

 I think this is my qualification.

 But the people shown on TV were so unrealistic and they felt like they were from a certain class, really different from me .

 And then, while doing YouTube, I wondered, what kind of person would live in a really flashy house?  When I go on tour, I live in a house that looks like it came out of an American drama, and it's full of luxury goods, and I don't want to see that .

 Is it because of our lack of qualifications ? At first, I was curious and watched it, but then I got really excited and stopped watching the video.

 I 'm that kind of person.

 So I wanted to do a YouTube channel to show off my outfits and talk about my struggles, and to say that people like this are all the same, they just capture pretty things.

  Oh, and let me tell you in advance, I actually have ABHD.

 Okay, let me tell you in advance that I can be a bit uninspired and just say whatever comes to my mind  .

 Anyway, that's why I started YouTube.

 My friends like the way I wear clothes, and I wear clothes with them and leave comments, and you send me videos, and I find such attractive products to show them, and I'm so happy, and I realized now that I could have such a dream .

 And rather than introducing something that is too expensive, let's introduce something that we can enjoy together.

 Let's not lie about this kind of mind and something .

 You should never lie .

 That's why I sent back everything that seemed like a lie, even in the case of advertised products .

 I thought I was filming these videos while maintaining my own beliefs, but  at some point I realized I couldn't do it.

 I can't do it and it's not fun, but my mom and dad are getting older and it's not easy for them to work, so I have to take on some of that financial responsibility and I'm in a  position where I have no choice but to take on a lot of the burden.

 Mom and Dad said it was okay, but if they have surgery, then I have to do it, and if  there are any major issues in the house, I have to handle them, and since Mom and  Dad have worked hard, I want to do well for them, and I worked hard with that in mind .

 But for some reason, the reason I felt like I had to stop was because now my mom and dad were preparing for filming and doing all this together, so I had to eat.

 But I strangely feel a lot of pressure .

 I do n't want to lie to the companies, so I'm preparing the content with all my heart, and I  want to teach our students really good things, and I also want to support my mom and dad, so the burden is growing.

 If I make a mistake, it's all my fault and I have to take responsibility for it all.

 But now I don't eat much because of that .

 I don't eat much when I work.

 I don't think I can eat it.

 Anyway, Mom and Dad said they wanted to eat now, so they told me to go and come back, and Mom and Dad said they would buy some Jajangmyeon .

 I thought you were going to eat jajangmyeon .

 So I thought I was going to eat jajangmyeon, but 40,000 won was charged to my card.

 Now, the two of you thought you were going to have a meal, but when you paid 40,000 won, I felt something strange in my heart.

 My heart was beating strangely, and then my mom suddenly called me like this .

 My dad said that the jajangmyeon restaurant was closed and he wanted to eat something healthy, so he came to the healthy table, but strangely, when I heard his voice on the phone, that sadness came rushing back to me.

 Oh, I feel so burdened, but why do Mom and Dad feel so bad? These thoughts just don't come to mind.

 Now, my mom said, "Mom, Mom, Dad, you're so immature,"  but rather than thinking that I was immature, what I was thinking at that moment was, strangely, this burden was overwhelming me, and when I think about it, Mom and Dad spending 40,000 won is nothing, but 40,000 won is like a burden to me, and it  feels like a rock is being placed on me, and it's so hard.

 At that moment, I wanted to tell him that he was being immature and that he did a good job, but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth.

   I felt like I was responsible for the child's 40,000 won and that was a useless burden.

 So now Mom and Dad came to the house and bought us food.

 Let's eat together.

 I bought some excrement there to eat together, but my mom said, "Oh, it doesn't even taste good.

 I bought it for nothing.

" I said that because I felt sorry for my mother's sweat, but it was driving me crazy.

 My emotions are going crazy .

 After eating a spoonful or two of rice, I couldn't stand it anymore, so I went into the bathroom and took a shower.

 Oh, but I don't like that.

 What is this 40 thousand won ? 40,000 won is nothing, so why am I having such a hard time?  The truth is, the most important thing for me now is to  eat delicious food with the people I love and make money so I can love the people I love more, but I can't do that now.

 I realize now that I'm not normal.

  I think I started doing that from that time on.

 As my mom was leaving, I thought I hadn't cried much, but she asked if I had cried and if I was having a hard time.

 Then, thinking about it, I wondered why I was having a hard time.

 I'm doing what I love, so why am I having a hard time?  When I think about it like that, I realize that I'm just doing my work out of pressure.

  I didn't shed many tears because I was so sad .

 I'll have some water.

 I think I realized that I needed to take a break.

 Anyway, I'm going to do what's left now and ask for the companies' understanding, and I'm really grateful that they've cancelled the things that could be cancelled, so I'm filming this video and thinking about myself a little bit, and I had those thoughts.

 I was living like a slave.

 When I was young, I just thought I would be happy if I got a job and made money.

  I want to be rich like the people I see on TV.

 I just wanted to become rich, eat expensive things, and enjoy what other people were enjoying, so I just lived diligently.

 I live diligently, I live my best, I live with sincerity in everything, and that's why I live with too much sincerity, which is more of a problem.

 But I can never go that far.

 No matter how much I struggle, I can only get to this point, and people can never get there.

 First of all, I absolutely can't do it.

 Once I realized that, and rather, when I first started on YouTube, there were 100,000 people and I was like, how can you do that? Wow, 1 million people are really amazing.

 Why am I so incompetent ? Ah, I have to live harder.

 I really have nothing.

 My boyfriend and I always talk about this: Oppa, we really don't have anything but God.

 You have to live hard.

 Let's live hard.

 It happens all the time .

 It's still like that now.

 Honestly, 100,000 is enough for me.

  I don't think I could have imagined more than 100,000.

 How did I get to 100,000? When I was young, I was just a shell of 100,000 people.

 So, inside I am still the same, but as the shell grows to 100,000 people,  I feel like I just have more responsibility and burden.

 So, this sense of responsibility and burden came over me, and I   thought that if I just got 100,000, or 1 million, or just a little bit more, my life would change, but instead, this sense of responsibility and burden came over me, and I couldn't try things that I could have tried more freely in the past, and  I was scared.

 What if all these people turned their backs on me when I did this ? What if these people hate me if I do this and I can't feed my mom and dad? When all these fears started to creep in, I thought, let's just do what people like.

 People like clothes.

 And when I uploaded those videos in the past, there was actually negative feedback.

 Why do you do that when you're staring at something like that? Otherwise, it's not that great.

 And when I first uploaded it, I  saw people unsubscribing and stuff, and without realizing it, I started receiving feedback like that.

 The compliments strangely disappeared, and I do n't know why I'm so negative, but the compliments disappeared and only the negative feedback remained, and that old desire to live a stable life was still inside me.

 So, my values ​​of having to protect my values ​​and becoming a truly empathetic person were  nowhere to be found, and I felt a little embarrassed and lost them.

 People liked me and I thought, “Well, I  ’m doing this with all my heart,” and I came this way, but     I strangely had these thoughts that this thing I really liked would come as a financial loss to me, and that the financial loss would prevent my family from being safe.

 You don't have the courage to be criticized, you don't have the courage to be teased, so why are you filming something so ugly?  I  could have just been confident when I received this kind of feedback, but I think I was actually scared that I would receive this kind of feedback .

 From when I was young until now, I wanted to live a normal life, live an ordinary life, not stand out, and not stand out in this YouTube world.

 I  keep repeating this over and over again because I'm afraid I'll get negative feedback if I do something like this, but I don't want to stand out and I want to live a normal life, so I unconsciously decide to make a pretty video.

 Something that holds meaning .

 Ah, I'm scared.

 I'll do it later.

 As I continued to do this, I lost myself without realizing it and became just a pretty magazine.

 I became that channel that I hate the most, just showing off.

  To be honest, this house is really in a remote rural area.

 But, oh, I  want to decorate the house so that it's pretty, clean, and really pretty.

 I came in with that thought, but this house looks so flashy .

 Actually, I don't really live a flashy life.

 I don't put on a lot of makeup, I don't really meet people, I just spend time with my family, buy drinks for my loved ones, and that makes me happy.

 But when I look at this, it   looks like I'm pretending to be nice and I'm no different from the people I had a hard time with.

 So I thought about what I like, and I do n't really know.

 So it was easy.

 I read books while spacing out, and I just do nothing when there's no one around.

 I don't even use Instagram much these days .

 What do I like? Why was I unhappy? Why wasn't I happy? I thought about it, and then I thought, what are the rich and the poor? When I was young, I wanted to be rich, but even if I make money, if I can't enjoy my life with the money, am I still rich? Do I want to be rich? Then what is rich? Then what about beggars? That's what I thought.

 I'm an infbi.

 When I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that knowing how to enjoy one's life makes one rich.

 So, even when I was young, I was able to enjoy that life and be happy .

 Hahaha.

 How was your day today, happily eating at the dinner table with your family ? Oh, we are so happy.

 That's not something just anyone can do .

 Back then, I was able to enjoy life, and   I was able to live like a rich person, and when there was no YouTube, when there were no subscribers, I  could do whatever I wanted, make whatever videos I wanted, and even now, I can do whatever I want, and I can just earn a little less, or go a little slower, and enjoy it more .

 yet.

 But it's not that I choose the life of wealth; it's that I live a lie.

 What college should I go to, what age should I start working, and then I got married.

 I lost my home.

 But I do n't know about marriage yet.

 There's still a lot left.

  I don't have any money.

 I'm not ready yet.

 My boyfriend has also started back at school now .

 I have two years left and I'm acting.

 He is an aspiring actor, but his dream is also important, so he  needs time to wait for his brother's dream to come true.

 I've put marriage aside for a bit, but I     think I've found myself trying to fit into the timeline set by the world without even realizing it, and I've found myself stepping on the wall trying to fit in somehow.

 But then, instead of enjoying life, I just keep getting chased around .

 Oh, because I can never go there again.

 It's hard to even be in the middle ranks throughout your life .

 So,  even though there were things in life that I could have enjoyed, I couldn't enjoy them and I   lived my life feeling burdened and oppressed all the time, carrying this pressure that no one asked me to carry.

 I can put it down, I can make the content less pretty, I can make it less pretty, I can make it less perfect, but why am I doing this? Am I enjoying this life? Why do I live? My thoughts started to flow like this .

 So I guess that's why I decided to make this video.

 Actually, if you think about it, today is the freest day in your life, the day with the least burden and responsibility .

 Today is the best day to take on challenges, the  best day to fail, and the best day to be frustrated, but strangely, I ca n't enjoy it, I can't keep failing, I can't keep challenging, and I  hate myself for living life vaguely and ambiguously.

 So this video might mean nothing to you guys, and you  might be like, why did I film this, or you might be like, what's the big deal? But for me, it was really hard to put this one down .

 I've been thinking about it for half a year.

  I've been writing it down for half a year now, and  I feel like I have to say it perfectly.

 I'm not really good at speaking.

  I'm not good at speaking and I think a lot, so I always give other people a hard time.

 That's hard for me too.

 I really want to keep my promises, but I often can't.

 And I'm not really sure what my priorities are.

 No matter how I look at it, I can't figure it out.

 I ca n't even organize my thoughts properly to see if this is correct.

 It's just a potato with a lot of thoughts.

 I feel a little better now.

 It doesn't have to be perfect, but I feel like I'm missing out on life by trying to be perfect, so  from now on, starting with this video, I'm going to try to do more of what I want to do .

 So when I thought about when I would be happy, I was so, so happy when I bought something delicious for my mom and dad, and  when we could share something like this, I was so, so happy, and  when my students told me what they liked, they liked it, and when they said they were comforted by me, I was happy, and I have a subscriber friend who is very close to me .

 I was happy when I met Mini and we ate and talked together .

 So I'm trying to find some happiness for myself .

 I want to forgive myself for not being perfect and acknowledge my shortcomings .

 I'm fine.

 Even if you get off, you wo n't die.

 I'm going to try a little harder from now on because I want to know more about this.

 And that's why I prepared something .

 This time, we planned a polymarket .

 The reason I planned it is because I really wanted to share it.

 Why? I didn't have clothes back then.

 I wanted it, but it was hard.

  I don't have money and it's hard to buy, so I just go to the Dong-a Ilbo market and  compare prices to find something cheaper, and I buy it, but I'm making a promise to myself.

 We will share it together .

 I planned our flea market with the intention of finding my own happiness, and  I am preparing for this flea market by myself, searching for locations and imagining things diligently.

  We are  planning to hold the event in Seongsu-dong on July 19th, and we thought a lot about how many people we should invite.

 I think 60 minutes would be the maximum, so we will probably have about 60 people come.

  I'm a little worried that too much of the total income will go towards actual operating expenses, so I plan to donate all of the profits minus a portion of the operating expenses .

 I've been thinking a bit about where to donate, and this time I've prepared the event properly.

 So, I wanted to make a party where everyone could be happy by giving out 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th place prizes and giving the 1st place winner a 4th generation AirPod and a Stanley tumbler.

  So, we prepared this so that we    can all enjoy this summer together with our fellow students and make a good donation to a friend in need, so I hope many of you will participate.

 To participate, please apply through the Google Form link .

 Ah, I really don't know how I said it, but I'm preparing various contents from now on .

 I want to capture a little bit of my natural self.

 Anyway, that's why I'm lacking and don't have much to say, and even though I'm not very conscious, I hope we can communicate by talking to each other a little bit.

 Yes.

  I don't know how to end it, but see you in the next video.

 Ah, see you at the flea market.

 Please watch it.

 hi.

 Look at your waist.

 Look at this.

 ruler.

  What are you talking about with Yeongju and Imochi? Hello, Yeongju.

 [Music] Hello, hello, Mr.

 Youngju.

 Do I look pretty now ? Yes, I look pretty.

 Yes, I look good.

 Are you doing well? [Music] You're getting too close.

  are you okay.

 You're getting too close.

 What do you want to do if you win? I want to try something active outside.

 Something active.

 yes.

 Oh, I want to buy roller blades.

 No, I'm not a roller blazer .

 I'll just try out the Topmitten Daemitten or the  Roller and Badmeter properly .

 I want to do it properly once.

 yes.

 Ah, heart battle aunt.

 I'll ask you what you fought with your aunt.

 What are you okay just now? Both? Both.

 Who are you? Do you want to do both later? Are you an aunt or an uncle? Just do them all.

 No, no, you have to choose between your aunt and your third cousin.

 Choose one between your aunt and your third cousin.

 Side 3,000.

 I made you feel slightly sorry.

 It's a secret.

 okay.

 okay.

 I'll keep it a secret.

 I'll do it inside.

 Then, really, should I have a showdown with my aunt first ? yes.

 We're going to have a showdown, all together.

 yes.

 what? You don't like good things? Oh, okay.

 So, if you try to give Youngju a cell phone with your aunt and uncle, the situation will be bad? What is it?  are you okay.

 How about having Aunt Yeongju decorate Yeongju ? great.

 great.

 [Music] I think it'll be fun.

 Oh, I think that would be the most fun .

 yes.

 Then do good.

 My sister, if you do some YouTube, yeah.

 I think it'll just be Hui .

 I think it will become a memory.

 great.

 Hype.

 yes.

 yes.

  My aunt will dress you up nicely.

 yes.

 [music]